Mother of the Year -- Not Me

This morning I yelled at KM. I mean really lost my temper and yelled at him. To be honest, I was provoked. We were driving to day care, and out of no where, he whips his sippy cup at me. With out even thinking, I turned around and yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Then I slapped his hand and told him that he was going to get a spanking. And you know what he did? He didn't cry or laugh or seem scared at all, he made this GRRRing sound.

Which this just proves to me, that I am in fact (and going to admit it here) a bad mother. I'm the mother who yells at their kid too much, so much in fact that when I do yell, it doesn't even phase him. I have been short on patience lately and taking it out on him. I know, I should not be doing that. I have tried, walked away when he gets my blood boiling because he will not get out of bed. Instead of yelling, I tried going to the kitchen to get his milk so it would be ready. Then I come back and he still will not get out of bed, so I go and put my shoes on and he will still not get out of bed. Then I spend some time getting his clothes together and yet still he will NOT GET OUT OF BED. I usually try to wake him up slowly, so he has time to get going in the morning with out having to hit the ground running, but he does it to test me. I know what he's doing and it's driving me crazy. The only thing that will get him out of bed is for me to pretend that I'm leaving with out him. I'll admit, I've done this a few times and I'm not proud of it. I don't want him to ever think that I would leave him behind. But desperate times call for desperate measures I guess. I have been racking my brain for a better way but nothing. So until I can come up with something better, I guess I'll have to keep pretending that I will leave him behind. Nothing like adding to the damage that I have already done.

Bad Day

Husband and I just can not get on the same page this last week. He has been the grouchiest I have ever seen him. He somehow doesn't really think there is anything wrong with his behavior. I on the other hand have stopped talking to him because of it. I have also stopped sleeping with him because of it. If you want to be that grouchy and mean, then I will have nothing to do with you until you apologize for being so grouchy and mean. Our computer crashed and this apparently is a reason to act like a teething 1 year old.

We can't even talk to each other. Last night I was trying to help him fix what I could on the computer and it escalated in to us getting a divorce. Yes I said divorce over a computer. No I don't think we will actually get divorced, but when he gets mad and angry and pouty and stompy feet, he throws out the d-word. I used to scare me, thinking that we would actually get divorced because we couldn't agree on what to watch on TV. But now I know I can call his bluff and ignore him. He hates this. So he called me this morning, looking for a favor, still didn't apologize for his crabbiness, but he had to call me. This is a step in the right direction, which is to see things my way.

Our friends came over on Friday night for my birthday. All of us went to eat except for Husband and the guy that works for him. They stayed home. All of the friends also noticed how unbearable he was. Which frankly, made me feel a whole lot better. At least I wasn't the only one to see it. I don't understand him, and I really don't care to at this point in the fight. All I want is for him to say "I'm sorry I was an ASS, a major ASS." Then we can get back on with our lives.

Lots Of Things About Me

1. I love the way a new box of Crayola Crayons smells.
2. I don't like rice crispys bars or marshmellows.
3. I waited until I was 18 years old to have sex for the first time.
4. I HATE tuna fish. I once threw up an entire can of it in Perkins, and haven't eaten it since. I was 6 at the time.
5. I love all 80's music.
6. I once spent 2 weeks trying to find the $0.05 mistake in my checkbook so that it would balance.
7. I love to cook but hate to do the dishes.
8. My husband proposed to me while driving down the road, smoking a cigarette.
9. I love red roses and lilacs.
10. I believe in fate & karma. Things happen for a reason.
11. I only drink ice tea in the summer months. It's summer drink.
12. I love to watch baseball and football. I'd rather watch them on TV, at home on the couch than in person.
13. The first time I ever got drunk was at a neighbor's graduation party. It was the summer before I went in to 8th grade. My dad took me home passed out.
14. I HATE when girls refer to their guy at "Mr. Big". There is only 1 Mr. Big and he was on Sex in the City.
15. I've had my license suspended for too many speeding tickets.
16. I owned my first home at 21.
17. I own chaps and wore them in Sturgis.
18. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister. My youngest brother is 1.5 years younger than my son.
19. I grew up on a farm and don't know how to drive a tractor, but know how to bail hay.
20. I used to clean new construction houses as a job in high school.
21. I have been to Mexico deep sea fishing and caught some Yellow Fin.
22. I moved to California when I was 19 for 4 months.
23. I have moved 10 times in 7 years.
24. I don't eat leftovers but will put them in the fridge anyways, just so I can throw them out later.
25. I used to mark my sox with nail polish so they were easy to match up when clean.
26. I like to drink my Morgan with Diet Coke, but will usually drink Diet Pepsi, if there is no Morgan in it.
27. I once sold all my Cd's and bought all Christian one to replace them.
28. I am a 34B.
29. I used to crash weddings in high school for something to do on weekends, so I could dance.
30. I am the calm one in a crisis.
31. I have met Chi Chi Rodriguez and have his autograph. He's very funny.
32. I love to scrapbook, but hardly ever do.
33. I will drive across country to move a family member and have done it several times. I LOVE A ROAD TRIP!
34. I have never broken a bone and my only stitches were for my C-section.
35. My parents got divorced when I was 8.
36. I love Chinese food.
37. Things I'm good at -- being a mom, organizing, budgeting, scrap booking, doing laundry, cooking and baking, balancing a checkbook.
38. I will drunkenly call you over and over and over again until you shut your phone off in the middle of the night, at which point I will keep calling and leaving you random songs on your voicemail. Because at 3 am I am a REALLY good singer.

Is it time for a new picture...

I have been hesitant to put up pictures of myself or of KM on this site. I don't really know why. Sites like Dooce.com and Greek Tragedy.com do it all the time. I suppose I have some sick fear of someone finding me, and then killing me based off a picture I put up of KM in his Halloween costume. Seems strange I know. But then I also think of the sites listed about. They are doing fantastically well as far as readers, and from what I can tell they make a decent living with it too. Is this because the people who read their sites feel like the know them, because they have seen their faces? Do they want to come back every day to look at their faces? Do they want to read more because they have seen their faces? The world may never know. But I am thinking it may be time to come out of hiding. So if I can figure out a good way to post some pictures here (and by good, I mean easy), I will do it.

Update: As you can see, I caved. Enjoy!

Day 8, Post 6

So I'm a little behind on this blogging thing for the NaBloPoMo. I'm a rookie and am not used to this rigorous schedule of blogging EVERY DAY. The computer fiasco of 2007 is somewhat behind us. We now have an external hard drive, have all of KM's baby pictures and are getting a new computer. The only thing we are still missing is the information on Quickbooks, but hopefully if we re-install the software it will come back. It looks like all the files are there, we just can't get to them until we re-install.

Go over to my NaBloPoMo page and check it out. Leave me a loving message. And what's the most fun of all this for me is that over there I tell you to come back here. It's like one of those blonde jokes, how do you keep a blonde busy all day? Give them a card that says "see other side" on both sides. ha ha ha ha ha

Now that you've heard the dumbest joke of the day... go over and check it out.

Doughnuts

This morning KM took it upon himself to take the doughnuts out from under the desk at daycare and carry them downstairs under his chubby little arm, open them up and eat them. In his defense, he was not the only kid to do so. He had 2 accomplices. They each carried one package. If you're keeping track, that's 3 kids and 3 packages of doughnuts.





They thought it was SO VERY funny. They were laughing and giggling and carrying on as 2 and 3 year olds do. All of a sudden, Wickty (my day care lady/aunt) heard them and they were saying "doughnuts, doughnuts". This is not normally a word they say a lot. She went to investigate, and sure enough the little shits were knee deep in doughnuts.





I don't know how many they got down before she found them, but I'm going to guess at least 2 apiece. This is also not the first time she has found them huddled together eating things they should not be eating. On his last 2 (and first 2) birthdays -- I brought cupcakes to Wickty's house to share. The first year they only made a mess at the table because they were really to small to eat them carefully. But on his 2nd birthday, they (and I don't remember which they's exactly) managed to get them off the counter, and under Dabid's desk and half eaten before Wickty found them. MESSY! Frosting everywhere, and believe me I got a phone call about it. I told her she should have been watching him more closely.



NoBloMoPo -- Day 7

Posts -- 5

I'll try to catch up with 2 extra posts.

BIRTHDAY Update

It has been a good day....



Free coffee this morning (Thanks Caribou!)

Lots of calls to wish me a "happy to you day"

Lunch with friends (who bought!)

Lots of laughs over a work thing -- it would take a long time to write, but it was really funny!

Leaving work early

Dinner with friends tonight.



I'm glad everything fell into place on a day all about me!

BIRTHDAY!!

Today is my birthday and already I've had quite a few phone calls to wish me a happy one. This morning, Husband brought KM in to bed with me. Husband was leaving for work and KM was already up (he doesn't know that he can sleep in with the time change). So I got to have a few wonderful minutes with KM snuggled in beside me. He was warm and cuddly and even tickeled my back and sang me Happy Birthay. It was a fantastic way to wake up.

What I'm asking for: Husband to pay my speeding ticket. Strange I know, but if he pays it, I can spend the money on myself instead.

Dinner tonight with friends at home and then on Friday with friends and family out.

Why is it that when you have to work on your birthday it's a crying shame? Shouldn't it be like a national holiday that I was born and that I get to do whatever it is that I want and not have to sit at a desk?!

Maybe next year. Until then, I'm going to try to keep up with the NoBloPoMo --it's not going very well so far, but much better than I had anticipated. I have gotten 3 posts in this month and we are only on the 6th day -- I am WAY ahead of my usual pace.

Dentist = Hell

I have a new dentist. My other dentist kicked me out of his practice for not going for a long time. This seems strange I know. But he has MS and is scaling back and really I hadn't been there in 5 or more years and he is no where near where I live now. So it's not a big deal, but when it comes to change I am usually easy going, but with a dentist it's different.

The dentist was great, but still he's a DENTIST! He was nice, and checked on me a lot, to make sure I was feeling no pain and was comfortable, but still he's a dentist and I don't like going.

My tooth is fine now, hurt for a little while, but other wise doing good. I have to go back for the other half of my crown in a few weeks. YUCK. So not looking forward to that day. I guess I have to suck it up and be an adult, especially since I will have to take KM rather soon and I can't go passing on my disdain for the dentist to him. I'll let him decide on his own how much he hates it, or likes it.

Where does the time go?

It has been crazy busy at the moment. No time for anything it seems. Had a good weekend in Sioux Falls last weekend. A story for another day.

It seems like it was just the beginning of October and here we are November 1st. One day I will have time to do it all. For now..... I'm just trying to keep up with life.

The last few days at work have been non-stop, I like it but not much time for anything else. Except for the dentist. I HATE the dentist. Have to go to the dentist for the first of 2 appointments to have a crown put on. YUCK! My mouth already hurts.

When I get a minute I will write down all the boring details of my life in the last few weeks.

Until then.... we'll nothing clever to say now.

I can't get there from here

I just can't keep on top of this blog thing. I would really like to write everyday. But I just can't get there from here. I also would really like to write a book. That is just not going to happen any time soon, if my writing keeps up at this pace. Blog for a few days then off for a month. Never gonna happen at this rate.

KM has never been cuter. This morning he was telling me that I wasn't his best fwend. That daddy was his best fwend. And when I asked him how come I couldn't be his best fwend, he said because daddy's his best fwend. Then about 2 minutes later, he had changed his mind, and guess what mommy?! You can be my best fwend! Oh I can? Yes you can be my best fwend, and daddy's my best fwend too!

I love these conversations. They are about nothing, but so much at the same time.

Yesterday they went on a nature walk for "school" time at daycare. They learned about the leaves, and the different colors. The neighbor was nice enough to talk to them about the deer that come and eat his apples and rub up against the tree. KM stood there and listened intently. He was sucking his thumb and rubbing the cuff of his shirt. I hate that I miss things like this. I know we can go on our own walks and do our own things. I guess it just makes me think of how I would really like to be at home with him. I like my job, most days. And it helps to pay the bills, and some days I just can't deal with him. But I think overall, I would really like to be a stay at home mom.

For now, we'll just keep doing what we're doing. In the mean time, maybe I can get some writing done. Maybe....

Hurry up and wait.

I took KM to the doctor yesterday. He has a lump on the back of his head. It's been there for about 2 weeks. I had called the doctor a few times to inquire about it. The first time, our regular doctor was out. I talked to a different nurse and she said that is was probably nothing. But she kept asking me when he fell. It's in such a weird spot, the bottom of his head where it connects to his neck. He could have fallen and hit it, but highly unlikely given the location. Then next time I called and talked to the nurse we always see. I really like her. I gave her the info and she check with our doctor and said if you want to come in and have him seen, they'll make room for us. She said it was probably a swollen lymph node. We discussed it, and her recommendation was to watch it over the weekend and if it changes in size to bring him in. I was trying not to worry much since it was not affecting KM at all and you could touch it when ever you wanted to. But over the weekend it seems to have gotten bigger. Maybe it was just me really wanting to take him it. But it honestly felt bigger. Last week it felt about the size of a pea. Yesterday, it felt about the size of a nickle or quarter. So I called and they got us in.



Our doctor says, he did not fall and hit it. They aren't really sure what causes it, but if the swelling on the lymph node doesn't go away, and it doesn't feel normal again by next week, they will go in a take it out. It's not life threatening or even bugging KM, but they will want to remove it anyways. I guess that's good. Simple procedure and he goes home the same day.



So while we were in the doctors office, I asked her about us trying to get pregnant. I was in her office in May. I thought I was preggers, 10 days late, and that's not normal. Of course I wasn't. So we talked about it, and she said if I wasn't pregnant by fall, she would want to run some tests. But she was sure I would be, very reassuringly said with a smile. I was holding out hope that she was right. We talked about how long it had been since I miscarried, a year and a half. We have been trying for almost a year, actually trying, not just ignoring birth control. I reminded her of our conversation, and asked her when she thought 'fall' was. She said it's time to do something. So I set up an appointment with an OBGYN (our doctor is Family Practice). I will go in on Monday. They'll check me out. I don't really know what they are looking for, or what they will do. Then if I'm okay, they'll check Husband. He'll have to give a sperm sample. Only God knows how I will get him to go and do that. But we'll save that fight for a different day. Then if that turns out okay, then they'll do x-rays, and that is as much as she told me.

So it got me thinking today 'what if', would we do in vitro or adopt? What exactly are the choices, just in case? Do we have the money for either of these? Or should we try a surrogate? How do you pick someone to carry your baby for 9 months? And then what if we put out all that money and it doesn't work. Of course they don't guarantee any of it. Just got me a wondering... Sometimes I feel better if I know all the options ahead of time, and sometimes I think, if I think of all the bad possibilities they won't happen. You know, because I have already thought of that, so it's not really a possibility any more. I just won't happen.

Husband didn't say to much last night when I told him I was going in. I'm not really sure what I wanted him to say if anything. It just seemed a little unusual for him to no say anything.

I guess we'll wait and see.

You owe me, like, 10...

We went to see Husbands mom yesterday. What a weird experience. Husband told me to call the place she was staying and ask what time would be a good time to come and visit. I did not want to be the one making the call. I have only met her once, and when actually thinking about it, it was a year and a half ago. It was KM's first Christmas. So calling to check on her and set up an appointment, was not something I really wanted to do. We went back and forth, I told him he owes me BIG. He said fine I owe you 1, I said no you owe me like 10. So, I made the phone call. Talked to the man who answered the phone, he said anytime was a good time. Then asked me my name, the family was there and wanted to know who was on the phone. I gave him my name and then he put some lady on the phone, who I have never met. She was so glad that Husband had gotten her message about his mom. She is not doing well and Hospice says she may not make it through the night. We weren't planning on going until today (which would have been tomorrow yesterday! :) ). Anyways, it would be such a blessing if you could come before she passes and I know she would really like to see you. Blah, Blah Blah....

So I called Husband back and said, it don't look good. What do you want to do? He says, can't we go tomorrow? I said I don't care when we go, but it doesn't sound like she will be there tomorrow. FINE, we'll go today. So I speed up there and he was waiting around the block. He wasn't about to go in with out us (KM and I). We all go in, and his mom says hi to him and KM, then looks at me (remember I only met her once) and says Who are you? I say Wife. Who are you? I'm Wife. Who are you? I'm Wife. Then Husband and I exchange a look of this is going to be along night. But then suddenly she realized I was speaking English and remembered who I was. So we sat with her for a while and talked a little, we don't really know what to say to her. We both hardly know her. Then she wanted to go out side to have a cigarette. Okay I guess, so we haul her out side in her wheelchair, she wanted to walk, but they told us to make sure she stayed in the wheelchair. She watched KM run around, and he was a little surprising.

KM goes one of two ways when around people he doesn't know well. He is a cling on, and won't let go, or he acts totally normal. There's no in between shy stage of getting used to them. It was like he had known her his whole life. Good for us in a way, but he was his VERY BUSY self. Lots of chasing him around the house.

So we went back inside, and sat for a while. KM ate part of his 'lunch', and colored. He played with the cards. Husband and KM tried making a house of cards, but of course if kept falling over. Then she wanted to go back outside for another cigarette. She said "I want to have another cigarette before I go." The nurses asked "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" She said (in a very sassy tone) TO BED!" We were there about an hour and a half. This time we took his backpack and blanket with us. I put them in the truck and Husband and I decided to have a cigarette with her. KM sat on the ground and played in the 'mud'. Then only small patch of dirt he could find. At least he was in one spot. We talked a little more and then it was time to leave. We gave her hugs, KM sat on her lap for a second and they talked about candy. "I just want two candies, " he told her. Then Husband gave her a hug, she said tell your dad I miss him and I love him and I tried to to the best I could. It was all very surreal.

I come to find out later, while we were sitting inside, she was whispering to Husband, that she wanted him to try and sneak her out with us. "Make sure you take my purse first." I don't know what we were going to do with her, or where we were going to take her, I guess that didn't much matter to her.

We went and saw her anyways, but it's only a matter of time before she passes. I just seems so weird to wait for someone to die. I can almost bet my life that we won't see her again before she passes, but then we'll go to the funeral. I just seems like something is missing in the whole situation, but I think that "something" is a relationship that they never formed. We will go through the motions as if he actually knew he mom, but really he didn't. And I don't. And I'm not going to push him to do something that he is uncomfortable with. We granted her dying wish, I guess. Maybe that's what she's been holding out for. She didn't really care much about him while she was alive, why should he go running now that she's dying? But if he hadn't gone, there is always that regret of "what if".

In the mean time, I'm trying to decide exactly what it is that he owes me for making that phone call....

Welcome back...

It's been a rather long time since I posted anything here, and yet, I find myself with little to say. We have been busy, and KM is as cute as ever, but still.... Maybe I am being lazy and don't want to type it, or maybe it's just not that interesting to anyone else.

For the first time in a long time Husband and I had a drunken weekend together. We went back to our home town and watched a volleyball tournament, and got drunk. It was so much fun to see all of our old friends. I feel like we never left, yet I feel like we have been gone for 10 years. Funny how that can happen. We swapped old war stories of who got the most drunk, who was the most high and who got the craziest. I won none of the titles. But it was fun to laugh and reminisce. Yet I find myself so happy we moved away. Away from the bullshit, and the cliche's, and the blaming everyone else for your problems. I sometimes want to move back to our home town, and then I visit it, and I remember what I hate most about it. Everyone is still stuck in highschool and for me, that was 7 years ago. Grow up already. Move out of your parents house, get a job, support yourself and be an adult.

My husbands mother is dying, and I can't find a lot of compassion for her. He doesn't really give a shit either. But you would have to know that before last Christmas, he hadn't seen her in probably 10 years, or talked to her in almost that long too. She did a lot of drugs while pregnant with him, he should be alive, or even a fuctioning human. But he is sharp as a tack and super smart. I have met his mother one time, last Christmas. Her dying wish is to see the 3 of us, Husband, KM and I. I really don't want to go, I don't even know her. Husband doesn't want to go either, but knows that he really should. When we did go visit her, I left my phone number to call us. When she did call, which was very often, the only thing she asked for was either money or for us to bring her cigarettes. That was about the only thing she would call for. It got so irritating, that I stopped answering her calls. Husband doesn't really even know her, but is fearing the big regret of life if he doesn't go to see her. I just don't really know how to handle this and still be a good wife. I feel like she didn't really give a shit about him in his lifetime, so why should we give a shit about her now. But that's not very nice, is it?? No matter what KM will never know who she is, or have any kind of bond with her. I don't want to spend my time getting to know someone who will die soon, and wasn't that great of a person to start with. But, again, that's not very nice, is it? I just need to suck it up and play nice for now. Soon it will be a memory and I won't have to think about it any more.

KM new words

5/23/07

• Beggy Ache -- Belly Ache


• You pitty's? -- Are those your pretty's (hair things)?


• Fordy Wee-were -- 4 Wheeler


• Daddy some pot corn too? -- He was lying, saying Dad wanted some more popcorn, when really it was KM who wanted more.


• I Muss Oooo Amma -- I miss you Amma.


• Gampa, Gupa, Papa JB, Gampa Mark -- there are all differnt people


• Me some too? -- Can I have some?


• Damn It! -- Well, what can I say, he's a quick learner! This is used in correct context of when you would actually shout it.


• Backhoe at Rogers house -- Our friend had there backhoe over at our house, and then moved it to the town of Rogers, KM calls it Roger's house, we even stop by on the way home and see him work at "Rogers house"


• Bobtat -- bobcat, he can drive all by himself, just needs to sit on someone's lap to reach the controls.

• ****** UPDATED ******** 6/8/07
• You break you teeth daddy, You get a new one?!
• Dat's enough?
• Can't see ober der -- I can't see over there.
• I did -- KM, you need to eat your dinner, his standard answer, "I did". Do you have stinkin pants -- "I did".

This won't last long..

Husband has been out of town the last few days, with the boys at an auction in 'Ca-go (as KM calls it, everyone else refers to it as Chicago). The had plenty of fun, actually probably more than they should have. While he has been gone KM has wanted to snuggle at bedtime. He goes to bed as usually with no fuss, but then wakes up a few times wanting Mama. So I go in there and pick him up. He just wants to be held for a few mintues. It's so nice to hold him and snuggle a bit. Then I sing a song and he goes back to bed. I will miss these days in the future. He is so warm and cuddly.

Last night we had our friends over for dinner. The 3 goof balls who went to 'Ca-go, Keg-gie, Nafan and KM and I. When we were eating they were giving each other crap about the trip. Singleton was watching out the window and a girl ran by. He said he might have to take up jogging and pretended to leave the table. Husband told him to "Go get some", then KM started in and kept saying "Go get some, Go get some, Go get some..." It's a lot funnier when a 2 year old is telling you to get some.

KM has started talking to himself. It is so cute to watch. He thinks no one is paying attention or listening. He talks in more than one voice. He asks dad if he wants some nummies, then "dad" answers in a deeper voice, and they have a conversation while eating their nummies. I could sit and watch him talk to him self for hours. The are so precious and innocent and cute at this age. I mostly wish he would never grow up past this age. Except maybe for the potty training part.

Everything he does lately I have been trying to pay extra close attention to it. I know the days of his cuteness and baby-ness, and innocence are numbered and I will have to stretch my mind to remember them. So I have been trying to write more things down and to use the video camera more. It's a work in progress, but I am taking the steps in the right direction to preserve his youth.

Who cares about mama

The weekend was a success. We made the trip to Montana one more time to get my cousin. This will be the last road trip, for a while anyways. She is staying put in MN for now. Lots of good times were had by all. We met a new friend and she is wonderful. She was very hospitable, gracious and funny. She let us overtake her house and play with her kitty.

We got home at midnight Sunday/Monday. After sleeping for a few hours, we got up and went to get KM, he was staying with Papa. He could not have cared less that I was there to get him. It was Amma he wanted to see. Said hi to me, but then ran by to give her hugs and "I muss you's". He wanted nothing to do with me. I guess that's what I get for abandoning him for 3 days with the dreaded Papa. All they did was ride 40-wee-were, and watch baseball, and chase the birds, and go into town for treats, and every thing else the King Monkey wanted to do. What was I thinking when I left him in such hell?!

It was nice to have a few days alone, without all the chasing and running, and keeping him off the road. But I made up for that yesterday with the graduation party we were at. Oh boy, with the running. Does he every stop, or at least slow down? I guess I'll have time to rest, when I'm dead, which might be soon, if he keeps up all this running. I am too out of shape to be a mom, at least to one as active as he is. Goodness Sakes!

Then when we got home, long after his strict bedtime, he needed to go in the tub for the third time that day (the first 2 weren't needed, but Amma thought he should have them). He had diaper rash from the weekend, Papa needs another lesson on changing a diaper. You are suppose to wipe the poop off, not just put on a new diaper! Anyways, there was lots and lots of crying. KM was tired, had been woken up from the cat nap in the truck, had an oowie butt and was in an all around funk. So we put him in the tubby, soaked his butt and put him in is favorite jammies. Then he sat and snuggled with dad on the couch. The read a book twice then off to bed. Seems like he never wants to snuggle with mama when he is tired, only daddy.

I miss the days when he was my little snuggle bunny, when we would nap together. He is a major daddy's boy. I guess that's what I get for letting him grow up. The little turkey, why can't he stay 6-12 months old for a little longer. Just a few more months, then I'll let him turn 2. Maybe the next one will listen better when I tell them they can't get any older, at least not until I am ready.

A mother's work is never done...

We had a great mother's day. I woke up to the KM with his nose about an inch from mine saying "Happy Mommies Day, Open peasants? (presents)". So we got up and opened peasants. They got me a really cool new oven mitt I wanted and a under cabinet mount radio/CD player. Which was also installed on Sunday -- this sort of thing never happens at our house.

Then the chaos began. We had my mom, grandma, great-aunt, sister and brother over. This doesn't seem like very many people, but it sure was hectic. It probably didn't help that I had a slight headache, which was just throwing me off all day. I just couldn't get in to the swing of things. The day was long and never ending. It would have been great if I had been in the mood. Lately we have been doing a lot of entertaining. Our friends come over a few times a week for dinner. It's great, but sometimes it feels like all I do it cook.

So on Sunday when every one was over, all I wanted to do was sit and enjoy the day, but instead had to cook. After dinner when I asked my husband to help clean up, he said there was enough people to do it (i.e. my mom, grandma, great-aunt and sister). This was pure bull shit, it was Mother's day, and not dad sits on his ass day. He wandered in to the kitchen and was going to pretend to help, after I got mad at him, and couldn't figure out why he needed to help or why I was so mad at him. I just yelled "Fuck It!". At that point I think he understood that I was not happy and that he should get his ass to cleaning up lunch.

Part of the reason I was so cranky at him was because last year on Mother's day I painted our bedroom. We were trying to sell our house, and we agreed that some of it needed to be re-painted. So while he said he was going to help, he ended up taking a 4 hour nap on the couch, while my mom watch KM and I painted the room by my self. So this year I had high hopes of being treated like the queen I should be and actually getting to relax a bit. Instead, while I prepared all of the things for lunch, and my brother did the grilling, my husband sat on the couch and watch baseball. Didn't even bother to talk to anyone who was over. GRRR! Sometimes that man really pisses me off. Excuse us for being in your presence sire, we shall leave whilst the holy baseball game is on. Never mind we were here to visit you.

I had to get a little upset with him last Friday as well. He has been working on a job for a friend of ours, so when work is done they sit and have a few beers. He shows up at home when ever he feels like it. This is so irritating. When I get done with work, some days I would like to just sit and have a beer too, but instead I have to go and get KM from daycare, then go home and make dinner, do the laundry, give KM a bath, pick up the house, do dishes etc. Never crosses his mind that some days I am tired too. On Friday when he did get home, he took KM outside for a bobcat ride and I went back in the house for a few minutes to just sit, and when I poked my head out the window, I heard KM squealing with laughter and wanted to see what they were doing, husband tells him that mom has never seen daylight and she hates it out side. She won't come and play with us. That just hit my pissed off button. There are plenty of times KM and I play when dad is no where around, and I don't tell KM things to make him think dad doesn't like playing with him. Then they came inside and I was laying down, and husband says there's the King lying on the couch. FUCK YOU -- it's the first 5 minutes I got to myself in a while and now I'm the King who expects everyone to do what ever it is that I tell them -- I don't even know what he was really referring to but when ever he calls me King, I get so angry at him.

This turned way more in to a ranting than I had originally intended, but that you have it. My frustrations with the husband. It's not all the time, or even a blanket statement like "lately", just a few isolated incidents. Needed to get them off my chest.

The Few, The Proud, The Soldiers

There hasn't been much to say lately. Life has been boring. But coming up was always something that would change our whole family, and I know I have been avoiding thinking about it, talking about it, or even living it.

My cousin was going to be deplyed at first to Oklahoma, then to Iraq. He is in OK now, and will be back for a short bit this summer. But then he will be gone for, I'm guessing, 18 months. It's hard to watch from the outside. His fiance and 2 little girls are missing him like crazy. Not to mention the rest of the family. I can't even imagine what it would be like to miss out on that much time with my baby. Some days he drives me crazy, but I wouldn't trade that for all the tea in China.

I am hoping to do the best that I can to help out with the family. We are the ones that live the closest to them. I am going out west to bring my other cousin home (his sister). She needs to be closer to the family, and we need her to be here too.

I try not to think about it right now, he's only in training at the moment. But soon, he will be overseas, and everyday will be hard. Much harder for him than us, but hard none the less. Do you go on living life, like nothing has changed? How could you do that, knowing that it has, at least for now. How do you keep him up to date on what the kids do? How do you have a marriage from thousands of miles away? How do I write a letter, what do I say?

I worry that he won't come back and I know everyone else worries the same thing. I try not to think about it, but if it doesn't even cross my mind, would it be even tougher to deal with if I hadn't even thought about it? I like to think that sending out good karma his way will help keep him safe, but I don't want to be completely shocked either if something happened, even if he lived through the something, I think I need to be mentally prepared for almost anything. I won't be much good to others if I am mentally paralized at what has happened. Maybe it's the mom in be coming out, but I need to be useful to others in a time of need.

For now, I guess I will go on thinking that live is a bowl full of cherries, but soon, I will need to think about all the "if's".

GRRRRR Sisters

Friday night, we had some friends over, ate dinner, nothing to exciting. Saturday, took KM to Gup-pa's house so we could go to a wedding. The wedding was for a friend of mine (who is also my bosses sister, and she used to date my brother) but over all I would consider her a friend first when introducing her. I digress. My husband and I, along with my mom and sister were all invited. Husband went to the ceremony with a little complaining, but he went. Then after that, he wanted to go home, before we ate. We had a little spat over it and he left. I rode with my mom and sister to the reception.

The reception was shaping up to be really fun. Food was really good, especially the mashed potatoes and gravy! YUM!! My sister and mom didn't know too many people there. I knew a few more, from having been at a few of the family things that they do. But over all, it was a little awkward, but really NOT that bad. Shortly after dinner, my sister gets a text message from a friend of hers about a party at a friends house. She says "I knew this would happen, that if I can to this, there would be something better to do at home." Pretty bitchy I think. People only get married once in a lifetime and our friend Amis (the bride) has been living out of state for 6-8 months. So we hardly ever get to see her, much less hang out. But my sister had things that were SOOO much more important.

The night moves on, and I have a few more drinks and dance, my normal routine at a wedding. I had no idea they wanted to leave, no one ever said anything to me. At some point during the evening, my sister called my husband and told him he need to come and get me because they were leaving. OK, maybe you should tell someone that you want to leave and then the group can make a decision from there. She had to call and bitch at my husband, and it was all because there was something funner going on somewhere else. TOO FUCKING BAD! You should have stayed your ass at home then, "just in case" something else cooler were to come up. I fucking hate her some days. She is a whiny, stuck up, spoiled, self centered little brat, and I mean that, and those words will be here for all of time. She pisses me off and I am getting sick of her poor me attitude.

She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because my dad won't buy her a car, meanwhile she has no job to put gas in it. But she says she can't get a job because she doesn't have a car. I bet there are about 10 million Americans without cars, that are working RIGHT NOW. But what the fuck do I know. Her big argument is The Monkey's Momma (ME) got a car from dad when she was 16 -- lest you forget, or block out of your stupid mind, is the fact that I had a job when I was 13, and continued to work even before I had a car or license. I won't lie, I got a lot of things in life most people do with out, but I also worked a lot and earned or paid for some of those things myself. I am so sick and tired of listening to her whine about her no car situation, but will do NOTHING to change it. Hey Sister, that horse is DEAD, stop beating it!!!!!!! No one gives a shit that you don't have a car, and the more you whine about it, the more people DON'T want to help you change it.

I have a small nugget of news that I haven't shared with her yet, but am really thinking I should. My dad just bought a new car for their nanny. I don't have the time or energy to go into why this is SUCH a big deal in our family. But trust me when I tell you, sister would LOSE HER MIND if she found this out. I think she deserves to know about it, but if I am the one to tell her, then I have to listen to her cry about it for, well let's just say I'll have to hear about it for the rest of my life. I don't have that kind of time. So for now, I talk to Husband about it and we laugh. I know it's not nice, but she hasn't been all that nice lately either, and I am tired of it.

She is on the shit list from KM's birthday party. Her and her boyfriend broke up and she couldn't come because she was sad and didn't want our dad or brother to say anything to her, and she knew she would blow up and yell at them. Get over yourself. You have ONE nephew and ZERO nieces, and he has a birthday ONE time a year, sorry to inconvenience you by trying to celebrate it. Next time we'll try to make sure your silly high school romance is on solid ground before we go planning something that has NOTHING to do with it.

So my final words for the day are -- GET OVER YOURSELF SISTER AND START THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF FOR ONCE!

Phone Calls and Memories

This morning I got a most unusual message on my phone, I guess not really considering the source. It was pretty much par for the course from her. It was from my friend/cousin. It was a message playing "My Town" -- Montgomery Gentry. This is one of my favorite things to send and receive. A song, between us, that is special to us, and only "us" knows why this song means anything, and every time we hear this song we think of each other. The "us" could have more than one song or only one song. But I love that no matter where we are, or what we are doing, we stop for a moment, re-connect and go back in time, to the time when that song turned from just any old song, to OUR song.

The particular song takes me back to the summer I was going to get married and my friend/cousin and I would pick up a six pack of Busch Lite and drive the hour and half from where we lived in the cities, to my home town. We would do this more than once a week and usually on a week night, where the next day we had to be back in the cities to work, at a very early hour. It makes me think of the windows down, sun shining, wind blowing, radio cranked up, stuck in traffic. And as soon as I think of how the windows were down, it reminds me of another memory, my husband who decided that our home town was "His Town", so when the song came on for him he would roll down the windows and drive around "His Town". He had to "make the rounds" as he called it, to check on "His Town". This is exactly why we would roll down the windows when ever we heard this song.

I love that forever, whenever I hear that song, I will think of here and she will think of me. I miss the days when we young, and wild and free, and usually drunk! Life was so much simpler back then (all 4 years ago). We did what ever we wanted and on weekends were usually a 6 pack in by Noon. I distinctly remember, shoes off, sun shining down on us, slight wind blowing, and we were ankle deep in the only mud puddle we could find. It couldn't have been more than 5 sq ft big. But it was enough to get our toes dirty.

Time will never be like that again, but I will always treasure the memories we made driving down the road, and it makes me look forward to the road trips of the future.

Baby not on the way...

We have trying/not trying to get pregnant for about a year. Not overly seeking, but doing nothing to prevent it either. In the last few months, I decided it's something I think I could do again. My first pregnancy was fairly uneventful, no major health problems and no major complications, but still wondered everyday why people do this more than once. I get it now. Once they are no longer babies, you begin to miss it terribly. Every day I was excited for KM to learn something new and to hit his next milestone. I still am, but I miss him being so little. He is much easier to live with now. He can feed him self and walk. He can help get dressed and pick up the toys. He can tell you what he wants -- Milt (milk) or jooosh (juice). But he is growing up fast, and I feel like I am taking it for granted.

I was really good at keeping up with his baby book when he was smaller, now I haven't seen it in probably 3 months. I take a lot of pictures of him, but am bad a writing down the things he says. I will miss his voice and actually am already starting to miss it. He used to say Gup-pa. Now he says Gam-pa. I want him to forever refer to my dad as Gup-pa, but that was clearly short lived. He calls our friend Keg-ie. Soon, it will be her real name. I just want him to stay this age forever, or at least for a few more years, until I am done with him being 2, which I know will take much more than a year.

I decided a few weeks before his birthday that this is the year I am going to HATE the most. It seems a bit harsh but it's true. Now at his 2 year birthday, he is still part baby. But by his 3rd birthday, he will be all BOY and NO baby. He will be talking in full sentences, and asking "Why?" about everything. He will do things on his own, and go to Pre-School. He will not ask me to sing "The Big Cow" song (Mama, don't let your baby's grow up to be cowboys, Willie Nelson) any more and want to play in his room with out us. I am SO VERY NOT ready for all of this. As much as he doesn't' need me, I NEED him to need me. It makes my life make sense. And thus, ladies and gentleman, this is why people have more than one child, so they can torture themselves with these emotions and feelings year after year, as each child grows up and doesn't need them any more. This is exactly why people who swore they would never have more than one child, have more than one child.

They need to feel needed again. I need to feel needed again. I don't miss the waking up in the middle of the night, or the breast feeding (well maybe just a little), I don't miss having to make sure we had formula everywhere we went or even the price of formula, but I know it's all worth it, every stinkin' bit of it when KM sits with me on the "cow-ch" and snuggles in, because he is trying to delay bedtime. And even though he thinks he's pretty smart, I actually tell him it's bedtime about 20 minutes before it actually is so he will snuggle with me and have me sing "The Big Cow" song.

It's all worth it when he gives big hugs and kisses at bedtime. I love him so much. And that is why we are willing to do it again, and again and again.

To work or Not -- This is my question

Down time at work is not at much fun as you would think. Some days it's nice not to have much to do. But those are only the days when I am hung over and that is not very often. Today is one of those days where I actually wish I had something to do or could go home. I am feeling a little like I don't matter at my current job. The important things to be done around here are not trusted to me. I can do the filing, but I can't write the checks? It just seems so silly to me. I have enough spare time anyways to do this. But we pay someone else to come in and do it.

Sometimes I think it's time to move on in my career -- or my job, some days it both. But then I think of the incredible benefits I get here and I think of how hard it is to start over. It's comfortable and it's safe and it's going no where for me. I will still be doing the same job in 10 years with only a slight pay increase and probably no more responsibility. I don't want that. I like being important, and recognized and needed and counted on. I like knowing that what I do matters daily in operations. Most of the time this is not the case here.

Husband tells me to quit and move on, that I am smarter than I am being given credit for. But still, it's hard to move on to the next job when I feel like there is more that needs to be accomplished here. I also don't like moving on with out knowing who's taking my place and if they know EXACTLY how I do things. I know this is ridiculous, because they can do things however they want, but my way is the only way things should be done. My way is the best and smartest way and it makes the most sense! (You know you have felt this way about something).

So for now, I guess I'll stay. I have other things I want to do in life, but none of them will make me much money at first and this scares me. I need to make money. Even if Husband has a job and is making lots, I need my own to spend. I don't like asking him for money. One day I will take the big scary leap and move on to the next thing, but not this week.

Missing my husband

My dearest love of my life was out of town for a few days and as much as I didn't think I would miss him too much, I really, really did. We have been away from each other before and for about the same amount of days. But for some reason this time was different. Maybe it was the snow (we got about 18 - 20"), or maybe it's that Kermit is so much busier now, or maybe I just love him that much more than I used too. I felt very alone, and very helpless, with everything. Not that he shovels the snow (some one else comes and plows it -- we're lucky, I know), or not that he does all the cooking (we share this duty), not that he takes Kermit to daycare (I always have), but this time, I was missing him terribly. I guess I felt like the protector of the house was gone, and what if...... he wouldn't be there to save us. Normally when we hear a weird, loud, different noise in the house he tries to send me to look. I tell him that's the husbands job. These thoughts are kind of all over, but I really missed him this trip. We were fine and plenty of things to do. But the snow was romantic and we were snowed in and he wasn't there to share it with us.

I realized (not that this is even close to a comparison, but it's the closest I have) that when my cousin had to go back to MT, and she was missing her man, I could see what she was feeling. Now they are totally different because Husband was coming back in 6 days, she doesn't know when she'll see Him again. But leaving someone you love, or having them leave you, even if only for a short time, makes you think about how much you love them. It makes you think about how life is so much different when they are not there. It makes you think of all the things life would not be, if they are not there, or if they were never there. I could see why she was so very sad. I'll admit that I even cried. Sappy, sappy girl, I know. But things have been going so well in our family lately. We have been having dinner together every night, talking, playing with Kermit and enjoying life like people should do. Maybe I was just sad that it would not be like this for a few days.

My husband makes me want to be a better mom. I sometimes run out of patience with Kermit and he is there to pick up where I am failing. He is the playful one, and I am the laundry, dinner, read the books before bed time mom. Kermit and I have a different routine when he is not around. We snuggle more on the couch (after a long day at work, I just don't always feel like running around), we read books and learn new words and count and sing the ABCB's (that is not a typo -- that's what KM calls them). When dad is around they play more and run and "fight" and play ball. I guess I should cherish this time because when dad is around, sometimes it's like I don't' exist. Only time for dad.

I try not to focus on bad things, but what if he didn't come back, or what if something happened to us while he was gone. Would he get on a plane and come home, would he send my mom to make sure all was well, would he just not worry about it? I pretty sure I know the answer (#1) but I got to thinking.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I am glad he'll be home today and I'm glad that he picked me to marry him.

Another worry for another day: What if we can't have more babies? This has been on my mind a lot lately and I'll have to write it out one day.

Happy To You!

Kermit turned 2 on Friday. He is the most adorable thing EVER! On Thursday night, we were on our way home from daycare and I was singing Happy Birthday to you, to him, and he kept saying "Mo Happy To You now mommy" and by Mo he means More. So we sang it about 15 more times before we had to move on to singing "Mo Ducky Wuddle now" (Little Ducky Duddle).

Saturday we went to a bridal shower, in the crappy icy rain that was falling, but couldn't stay too long as we had to get back for naps and his own birthday party. We had a few people cancel with the foot of snow that was falling, but most everyone showed up. We even had some over night guests. 6 to be exact. Which was interesting, because we only have 1 guest room (who needs more than one in house -- I guess we do now), we have 2 couches, 2 love seats and 1 Aero bed. It was a full house. We stayed up too late, including the little ones. Kermit was up until 1.45 AM! This is unheard of. He has a strict 8 pm bedtime. Then he was up again by 7.30 am Sunday morning. We made breakfast and had a good time relaxing.

Probably the biggest event of the weekend was not that he turned 2, or that my husband had to drive a 2 hour round trip to get the cake (which he fully admits was COMPLETELY worth it after tasting it), or the fact that Kermit was a party animal. It was that he got his first hair cut on Sunday. One of our friends to spent the night brought her cutting stuff with for the sole purpose of giving him a hair cut. One I have been pushing off for as long as I could. He is still my little baby, he still had baby curls and a baby face and baby fine locks. But now he had short man hair and I don't like it, except that he looks really cute. But I will full on admit that I cried and I am still not ready to let go of him being a baby. My husband laughed and laughed and said that it's okay, but it's SO not okay. This to me is like going off to college and I was so not ready to let go. He looks good, but some how in the 10 minutes he sat so still and quiet and so very good, he turned in to a whole nother person. He speech seemed clearer and he seemed to walk a little taller and he seems so much older than 2 and I don't like that. Probably the highlight of the day was that he was really cuddly on the couch and this made it a little better that he is a big boy now. He still needed me to hold him and snuggle him, but it also made me sad that he was no longer the baby I would like to keep him at. Sad that he won't be doing this much longer and eventually he will even hate being seen with me. My poor husband, oh the things he will have to put up with in the future.

Kyler Kermit is 2 and it seems like just yesterday he was wearing the outfit my 5 month old brother came to the party in. This also didn't help letting him be a big boy. He is talking so much and so clear lately and I know it's only going to get better, but I still think back to when he was so small. The difference a year makes. This time last year, he could say mama, dada, and puppy. Now he can say about 200 words, if not more. He walks and runs and jumps and plays hide and seek. He likes to read books and play with trains. He wants to go saaping (shopping) and go for rides. He loves it when Amma comes or Gupa, or Papa JB. He wants to see Cuncle Dake and cries when he leaves. He barely knew these people a year a go (at least he didn't know their names or even really by sight). He wants to play baaaball (baseball) and run and chase. He loves to squeal and knows he goes to Wickty's house every day.

It doesn't really make me want to have another one, as much as it makes me miss all the things I probably won't remember, which really only makes me sad. We hurried him throughbaby-ness and now I regret it a little. We wanted him to roll over right away, and sit up and stand and walk and talk, and now he does so many things on his own, and I feel like I missed so much of him being a baby. I didn't savor it. Why did I push him so hard to learn to sit up, what if he really didn't want to yet? What if we never have another baby, he was my only chance and I didn't take the time to lock away those memories? I don't write as many things down as I should and what if I forget everything from his childhood? What if I have NO stories to tell him when he gets older, because I was busy doing something else instead of enjoying him for being him? Maybe this is why I am not ready to have him be a big boy, because I am not done having my baby around. I guess I will just have to try harder to make sure he knows that his childhood was all that I could make it be.

One of those days...

Having one of those days, where I refuse to work. Don't feel like doing anything. Don't feel like getting anything done. I have no sense of accomplishment today, and that's okay. Miss my baby and want to be home giving him kisses and taking a nap.

New car you say --- It's yours!

Kermit, I know you are only 23 months and 15 days, but if you want a new car, it's yours. Or a new toy, or a trip to Disney World, ALL YOURS. Actually anything you can think of, you can have it. After last night, I am at your service and forever will be. On the ride home last night, out of no where and with no prompting from me, you blurted out from the back seat, "I wuv you mommy." For no other apparent reason, than you actually do "Wuv Me". You also said it to daddy when we got home. But when I asked you to repeat it to daddy later on, you just kept saying that you "Wuv Mommy". Which means that, you can have anything, whatever it is that your little heart desires, it's all yours. And from what I can gather all that you want is to "Pay Choo Choo's" with me when we get home. You asked and asked on the way to daycare today. You also asked for a tubby on the way home last night. Which I think is great, because it must remind you of Amma, because every time you are with her for more than a minute, she gives you a tubby. She just love, love, LOVES the way you smell after bath time. Like a little tiny baby, even though you are now almost 2, it makes her think of 2 years ago when you were so small and so new and so very much the first grandchild. She also will forever be at your service, because when asked "Who's baby are you?" The most common reply is "Amma's Bebe". Followed quickly by a "My Bebe" because you think we are talking about your blanket. So very protective of you blanket you are. You actually hit the girls at daycare who DARE to touch your blanket. It and you have been given many time outs over it. But it's yours and you understand that. You are also starting to understand what a "Time Out" is. You are so very smart and because of that, we know you are ours.

I love you, Baby!

Love, Mommy.

I say Peeeaaasss!

Kermit is very good with his manners. He will say please for everything. He know that he will get nothing with out the magic word. Other wise known as the word that follows "What do you say?" Peas! But lately, if we don't immediately jump on his request after one small "peas", he he will start rubbing his belly (My cousin taught him the sign for please by rubbing your chest -- KM version is a little lower, but he gets the idea), anyways, he rubs his belly and starts yelling, "I say PEAS!". He knows what he is suppose to say in order to get what he wants, so when you don't jump, he yells. It is so very funny. He is way to smart for his own good. He'll say it again and again until you get it for him. Then he will say Thank. He is working on the You. Sometimes it's Thank, sometimes Thank You. So I have been following up with a "You're Welcome." Sunday, he was asking, so I gave him what he wanted then he said Thank You, I said You're Welcome. Thank You, You're Welcome, Thank You, You're Welcome, then finally he started saying I Welcome, I Welcome, I Welcome. Again, to smart, he figured out that he was the You're.

He'll be 2 at the end of the month, and I am dreading his birthday. I am not ready for terrible 2's. He's learning the ABC's, and counting. He can do some of these already, or at least has a pretty good start on it, but right now, he won't sing the ABC's like he used to, he wants me to sing them, always once forward and once backwards. But when he knows them himself, he won't ask me to sing them anymore and this hurts my heart. It will be one of the many things I have to let go of and I am SO not ready to start that yet. That I guess is just the job of the mom is to learn to let go and let them grow up. I just want to keep him little for as long as I can, "I say Peas!" Doesn't that count for anything....

What's Love got to do with it?

I have been wondering lately, what is Love? I read other blogs (Dooce, Greek Tragedy) and they talk about love and how their husbands are their whole life, and they are just SO IN LOVE with them. I have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years, and the only time I felt like that was when we were first dating. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but why doesn't it feel like that can't keep your hands off of him, couldn't live my life with out him, couldn't make it through a day with out him? He is wonderful! He can fix things around the house, and he is great with the Kermit and he loves me, he makes dinner and does the laundry. He even buys great presents for holidays. He is the whole package. But is there something wrong with me that I don't feel like I couldn't go on with out him? I know things would be tough if he weren't there, but I would get by.

Maybe that's what makes me-- well me. I am a strong person and I know how to pick myself up and dust myself off when I fall down. There's be not such good times and the thought has crossed my mind about a divorce. I always realize that it's something stupid we are fighting over and it's not worth breaking up a family for, so we try a little harder and things get better. But it wouldn't be the end of the world. I know it would be hard to replace him. He just gets me and knows me so well. Maybe this is MY post about how much I love my husband but I just don't shout it from the roof tops. Maybe he is my other half, my better half, the half that helps me see all the good in life and stop to play with the baby when all I want to do take a nap or watch TV. He makes me realize that everyday the Kermit gets older and I should play with him more. He wants to be a better dad and a better husband EVERYDAY. Maybe I love him just as much as everyone else loves their husband, but I don't know how to say it or show it. Maybe when I wash his jeans it's the same as some sappy card. Maybe that's how I say I love, by buying him his favorite candy and the new Strawberry Milk he wanted to try. I don't cry on his shoulder and when I do he gets uncomfortable and makes me laugh, which is really what I needed anyway.

He wants the cut the Kermit's hair and I have been putting it off for as long as I can. He tries to get me to go every weekend for the last 2 months, but when I resist, he doesn't push too hard. He knows what a big deal it is to me. He makes it a joke and one day soon, we'll cut it, but not until I am ready and he just gets that.

Maybe love has nothing to do with it and it's just about the perfect fit for 2 people. Maybe it's more of a personality match, than true love. Or maybe it's because I love him so much that it makes it all right in the world. Or maybe LOVE has EVERYTHING to do with it and that's why we try so hard everyday to make it the best day in our family.

Not sure why

Not sure why Todd and I are fighting.

Went for breakfast and pool tables yesterday. He didn't want to wait in line for breakfast, neither did I. So we went to check out other places, drove by a few and he pointed to one that had plenty of cars and there is ALWAYS a line, so I made a smart remark about no waiting, he got pissy, drove past the Perkins and asked where he should park, I said it doesn't matter where, I'm not going in. A little pissy on my part, but I had - had enough of his attitude. So he turned the truck around and drove us home. I told him to never speak to me again, after I told him to not drive like an idiot since we had the baby with us. I'm not sure how but our both not wanting to wait in line for breakfast (we agreed on this) turned in to a huge fight. We didn't hardly talk yesterday, except when he asked me to make Kermit something to eat. He even slept downstairs on the couch. This was his decision. He gets so damn moody. Told me to get off my high horse, and stop acting like every thing revolves around me. HE WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY, we were going to eat because I wanted to.

He wants a pool table, but is being frugal on the price, which is fine by me. I don't want to break the bank on this either. But yesterday when I wanted to go look for one, he really didn't want to go, but if we don't have it by Superbowl time, he will be plenty pissed about it. Some how, the stupidest things become my fault all the time. And I have a feeling this one will turn out this way too. Well, too FUCKING bad, I am not taking the brunt of this and apologizing. I didn't do anything wrong.

I am also not sure why my son doesn't really like me. I could tell story after story about how he ignores me and doesn't want anything to do with me, but I will save you the self pity. I am hoping it's just a stage. He is only 23 months after all.

Work is extra slow today. The company I work for plows snow and had to do just that last night, so my boss won't be coming in today. He needs a nap. They will probably have to plow again tonight. So I have spent the better part of today surfing the Internet for nothing in particular and being a little bored. Did update my planner for the baseball games we will be going to this year. I am pretty excited about that.

Think I might go take a nap myself under my desk.

Pool Tables and clean houses

Saturday we went looking for a pool table --but since my husband his cheap (in a good way) he couldn't make a decision and we have yet to purchase. Drove all over looking for one. Went to 5 places and put on about 300 miles doing so. But in all the shopping, I got new shoes!

Then when we got home, my mom, who had been watching Kermit had cleaned up almost all of my Christmas decorations and most of the house. I'm so glad she's alive.

She is such a God-send. I can count on her for anything and everything.

Joe and not for lack of trying

Kermit knows his own name but refuses to say it around us. He also knows my aunts name (she does our daycare), but refuses to say that as well. Usually she asks, "what's my name?" and he says MOM. They go back and forth. The other day he finally said it, a bunch of times so I knew it wasn't a fluke. Yesterday, she asked what her name was and he said MOM. So she said, where's Kermit and he pointed to himself. She said "no, your name is Joe." For the rest of the day, he would point at himself and say "Joe". I guess that reverse psychology doesn't work on toddlers.

I just found out that one of my friends is having another baby, and is due in August. Pretty exciting. We have been trying ourselves to have another one and so far nothing. I don't get too worked up about it and for a long time, I wasn't ready to have another one. We found out I was pregnant a week before Kermit's first birthday last year and I was scared to death. How will I handle 2 kids in diapers, 2 in car seats, 2 to pack up in the morning, 2 to haul in to daycare, 2 to feed, 2 to clothe, 2 to spend time with, 2 to PAY FOR? I wasn't sure I could handle it, at least when he was so small. He was still so small, he would be pushed out of the baby stage so soon. It's not fair to him -- he deserves to be a baby as long as he wants to. But then 3 weeks later on my brother's birthday, we had found out that I miscarried. No more babies to be born, at least not yet. I still am harboring RAGE towards the nurse who told me the news. She couldn't have been any more non-chalant about it. Like it was no big deal that we just lost a baby. It was like she was telling me I should get a flu shot. There was NO sympathy, no, if there's anything we can do, or any questions we can answer, no, if you want to talk. Why didn't she put my doctor on the phone? I could have handled the news better from her. There was no, what to expect in the next week and what will happen and the pain you will get -- OH THE PAIN I had. If I ever have to talk to her again, it will be too soon. I am still kicking my self for not writing a strongly worded letter to the hospital about her behavior (it would have had too many words like whore, bitch, nasty-ass cunt, I thought I shouldn't put that down on paper with my name signed at the bottom), or even talking to my doctor about it. But I just wanted to forget every mean tone in her voice and the words she chose to use -- FETAL DEMISE. She couldn't think of something better to say than that. As soon as I got off the phone, I googled the words, thinking it was something a little more technical and there was a reason associated with the term. A reason I had just lost a baby. But what it really means is miscarriage. Nothing more, nothing less.

And so, today as I am happy for my friend as they have been trying for a while and went through something similar just lately, I also am thinking about trying some more to have a baby I am sure I want now.

Happy 2007!!

Some inspiration to start off the new year! I hope everyone had a great New Years!


It Is Better To Be Alone than In the Wrong Company

Tell me who your best friends are and I will tell you who you are.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl.

But if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.

A mirror reflects a mans face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.

The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate for the good and the bad.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve.

Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity.

An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people.

As you grow, your associates will change.

Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are.

Friends that don't help you climb will want you to crawl.

Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream.
Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.


Consider This:

Never receive counsel from unproductive people.

Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how.

Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.

You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.

Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere.

With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it.

Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life.

Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships.

Choose to rise...

Don't settle... and go for your dreams!!!

Drugs!

Brought up on Drugs

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a
methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining
county and he asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have drug
problems when you and I were growing up?"
I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young. I was drug to church
on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie,
brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of
the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in
everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if
I uttered a profane four letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in Mom's garden and flower beds and
cockle burs out of Dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out
some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline,
or chop some firewood, and if my mother had ever known that I took a
single dime for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in
everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack,
or heroin: and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem,
America would be a better place.
Author unknown

AMEN!


(On a side note -- I don't know who wrote this, but if they want credit, let me know and I will get there name posted here. I also believe every word of this and that the world would be a different place if we had more "drugs".)

New Years Stuff

This year I resolve to write more on this blog (we'll see how that actually goes). I also resolve to quit smoking, and lose weight. So in actuality, none of this will happen. I do not have good luck with New Year's resolutions.

It was a busy month of December and there has not been much time for anything, except for life. We had a Christmas party for my dad's office and even though my husband and I don't work for him, we are invited every year by default. I drank way to much wine, as in a bottle and a half, and since I am not normally a wine drinker, this was bad news. Too drunk, too loud, too passed out on the bar... I've had better nights.

We also had 3 family Christmas' -- or how every you write that. They all went off with out a hitch, including the one at our house where I did most of the cooking, while my husband did most of the cleaning and baby watching.

We did have the mass murder of 2006 -- which sounds bad, but it really was a stain incident. My husband was staining the round top windows, because he said they would be done before Christmas. His extension ladder let go and he fell about 8 feet, landed on his feet, but the cup-o-stain hit the floor and splattered EVERYWHERE. It even hit the 14' ceiling. The splattering looked like blood because it was a darker stain and thus instantly became know as the mass murder of 2006 -- we still have to repaint 3 walls, and stain the last window. After the falling, he didn't want to finish the one in the bedroom.

Kyler Kermit has learned many new words and is not shy about talking or making you do what it is he wants you do to. "Mon (as in Come on) daddy", "Reddy, Set, Goooooooo", "One, Twwooo, Sereeee, Twwooo, Sereeee, Five", still doesn't want much to do with his AB, CB, DB's.

I am looking forward to a great year full of big changes. I got 2 emails I am going to re-post here, because I think they sum up a lot of feelings of mine and a lot of good advice to everyone.

Happy New Year!