Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Hurry up and wait.

I took KM to the doctor yesterday. He has a lump on the back of his head. It's been there for about 2 weeks. I had called the doctor a few times to inquire about it. The first time, our regular doctor was out. I talked to a different nurse and she said that is was probably nothing. But she kept asking me when he fell. It's in such a weird spot, the bottom of his head where it connects to his neck. He could have fallen and hit it, but highly unlikely given the location. Then next time I called and talked to the nurse we always see. I really like her. I gave her the info and she check with our doctor and said if you want to come in and have him seen, they'll make room for us. She said it was probably a swollen lymph node. We discussed it, and her recommendation was to watch it over the weekend and if it changes in size to bring him in. I was trying not to worry much since it was not affecting KM at all and you could touch it when ever you wanted to. But over the weekend it seems to have gotten bigger. Maybe it was just me really wanting to take him it. But it honestly felt bigger. Last week it felt about the size of a pea. Yesterday, it felt about the size of a nickle or quarter. So I called and they got us in.

Our doctor says, he did not fall and hit it. They aren't really sure what causes it, but if the swelling on the lymph node doesn't go away, and it doesn't feel normal again by next week, they will go in a take it out. It's not life threatening or even bugging KM, but they will want to remove it anyways. I guess that's good. Simple procedure and he goes home the same day.

So while we were in the doctors office, I asked her about us trying to get pregnant. I was in her office in May. I thought I was preggers, 10 days late, and that's not normal. Of course I wasn't. So we talked about it, and she said if I wasn't pregnant by fall, she would want to run some tests. But she was sure I would be, very reassuringly said with a smile. I was holding out hope that she was right. We talked about how long it had been since I miscarried, a year and a half. We have been trying for almost a year, actually trying, not just ignoring birth control. I reminded her of our conversation, and asked her when she thought 'fall' was. She said it's time to do something. So I set up an appointment with an OBGYN (our doctor is Family Practice). I will go in on Monday. They'll check me out. I don't really know what they are looking for, or what they will do. Then if I'm okay, they'll check Husband. He'll have to give a sperm sample. Only God knows how I will get him to go and do that. But we'll save that fight for a different day. Then if that turns out okay, then they'll do x-rays, and that is as much as she told me.

So it got me thinking today 'what if', would we do in vitro or adopt? What exactly are the choices, just in case? Do we have the money for either of these? Or should we try a surrogate? How do you pick someone to carry your baby for 9 months? And then what if we put out all that money and it doesn't work. Of course they don't guarantee any of it. Just got me a wondering... Sometimes I feel better if I know all the options ahead of time, and sometimes I think, if I think of all the bad possibilities they won't happen. You know, because I have already thought of that, so it's not really a possibility any more. I just won't happen.

Husband didn't say to much last night when I told him I was going in. I'm not really sure what I wanted him to say if anything. It just seemed a little unusual for him to no say anything.

I guess we'll wait and see.

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