Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Hurry up and wait.

I took KM to the doctor yesterday. He has a lump on the back of his head. It's been there for about 2 weeks. I had called the doctor a few times to inquire about it. The first time, our regular doctor was out. I talked to a different nurse and she said that is was probably nothing. But she kept asking me when he fell. It's in such a weird spot, the bottom of his head where it connects to his neck. He could have fallen and hit it, but highly unlikely given the location. Then next time I called and talked to the nurse we always see. I really like her. I gave her the info and she check with our doctor and said if you want to come in and have him seen, they'll make room for us. She said it was probably a swollen lymph node. We discussed it, and her recommendation was to watch it over the weekend and if it changes in size to bring him in. I was trying not to worry much since it was not affecting KM at all and you could touch it when ever you wanted to. But over the weekend it seems to have gotten bigger. Maybe it was just me really wanting to take him it. But it honestly felt bigger. Last week it felt about the size of a pea. Yesterday, it felt about the size of a nickle or quarter. So I called and they got us in.

Our doctor says, he did not fall and hit it. They aren't really sure what causes it, but if the swelling on the lymph node doesn't go away, and it doesn't feel normal again by next week, they will go in a take it out. It's not life threatening or even bugging KM, but they will want to remove it anyways. I guess that's good. Simple procedure and he goes home the same day.

So while we were in the doctors office, I asked her about us trying to get pregnant. I was in her office in May. I thought I was preggers, 10 days late, and that's not normal. Of course I wasn't. So we talked about it, and she said if I wasn't pregnant by fall, she would want to run some tests. But she was sure I would be, very reassuringly said with a smile. I was holding out hope that she was right. We talked about how long it had been since I miscarried, a year and a half. We have been trying for almost a year, actually trying, not just ignoring birth control. I reminded her of our conversation, and asked her when she thought 'fall' was. She said it's time to do something. So I set up an appointment with an OBGYN (our doctor is Family Practice). I will go in on Monday. They'll check me out. I don't really know what they are looking for, or what they will do. Then if I'm okay, they'll check Husband. He'll have to give a sperm sample. Only God knows how I will get him to go and do that. But we'll save that fight for a different day. Then if that turns out okay, then they'll do x-rays, and that is as much as she told me.

So it got me thinking today 'what if', would we do in vitro or adopt? What exactly are the choices, just in case? Do we have the money for either of these? Or should we try a surrogate? How do you pick someone to carry your baby for 9 months? And then what if we put out all that money and it doesn't work. Of course they don't guarantee any of it. Just got me a wondering... Sometimes I feel better if I know all the options ahead of time, and sometimes I think, if I think of all the bad possibilities they won't happen. You know, because I have already thought of that, so it's not really a possibility any more. I just won't happen.

Husband didn't say to much last night when I told him I was going in. I'm not really sure what I wanted him to say if anything. It just seemed a little unusual for him to no say anything.

I guess we'll wait and see.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

You owe me, like, 10...

We went to see Husbands mom yesterday. What a weird experience. Husband told me to call the place she was staying and ask what time would be a good time to come and visit. I did not want to be the one making the call. I have only met her once, and when actually thinking about it, it was a year and a half ago. It was KM's first Christmas. So calling to check on her and set up an appointment, was not something I really wanted to do. We went back and forth, I told him he owes me BIG. He said fine I owe you 1, I said no you owe me like 10. So, I made the phone call. Talked to the man who answered the phone, he said anytime was a good time. Then asked me my name, the family was there and wanted to know who was on the phone. I gave him my name and then he put some lady on the phone, who I have never met. She was so glad that Husband had gotten her message about his mom. She is not doing well and Hospice says she may not make it through the night. We weren't planning on going until today (which would have been tomorrow yesterday! :) ). Anyways, it would be such a blessing if you could come before she passes and I know she would really like to see you. Blah, Blah Blah....

So I called Husband back and said, it don't look good. What do you want to do? He says, can't we go tomorrow? I said I don't care when we go, but it doesn't sound like she will be there tomorrow. FINE, we'll go today. So I speed up there and he was waiting around the block. He wasn't about to go in with out us (KM and I). We all go in, and his mom says hi to him and KM, then looks at me (remember I only met her once) and says Who are you? I say Wife. Who are you? I'm Wife. Who are you? I'm Wife. Then Husband and I exchange a look of this is going to be along night. But then suddenly she realized I was speaking English and remembered who I was. So we sat with her for a while and talked a little, we don't really know what to say to her. We both hardly know her. Then she wanted to go out side to have a cigarette. Okay I guess, so we haul her out side in her wheelchair, she wanted to walk, but they told us to make sure she stayed in the wheelchair. She watched KM run around, and he was a little surprising.

KM goes one of two ways when around people he doesn't know well. He is a cling on, and won't let go, or he acts totally normal. There's no in between shy stage of getting used to them. It was like he had known her his whole life. Good for us in a way, but he was his VERY BUSY self. Lots of chasing him around the house.

So we went back inside, and sat for a while. KM ate part of his 'lunch', and colored. He played with the cards. Husband and KM tried making a house of cards, but of course if kept falling over. Then she wanted to go back outside for another cigarette. She said "I want to have another cigarette before I go." The nurses asked "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" She said (in a very sassy tone) TO BED!" We were there about an hour and a half. This time we took his backpack and blanket with us. I put them in the truck and Husband and I decided to have a cigarette with her. KM sat on the ground and played in the 'mud'. Then only small patch of dirt he could find. At least he was in one spot. We talked a little more and then it was time to leave. We gave her hugs, KM sat on her lap for a second and they talked about candy. "I just want two candies, " he told her. Then Husband gave her a hug, she said tell your dad I miss him and I love him and I tried to to the best I could. It was all very surreal.

I come to find out later, while we were sitting inside, she was whispering to Husband, that she wanted him to try and sneak her out with us. "Make sure you take my purse first." I don't know what we were going to do with her, or where we were going to take her, I guess that didn't much matter to her.

We went and saw her anyways, but it's only a matter of time before she passes. I just seems so weird to wait for someone to die. I can almost bet my life that we won't see her again before she passes, but then we'll go to the funeral. I just seems like something is missing in the whole situation, but I think that "something" is a relationship that they never formed. We will go through the motions as if he actually knew he mom, but really he didn't. And I don't. And I'm not going to push him to do something that he is uncomfortable with. We granted her dying wish, I guess. Maybe that's what she's been holding out for. She didn't really care much about him while she was alive, why should he go running now that she's dying? But if he hadn't gone, there is always that regret of "what if".

In the mean time, I'm trying to decide exactly what it is that he owes me for making that phone call....

Monday, September 10, 2007

Welcome back...

It's been a rather long time since I posted anything here, and yet, I find myself with little to say. We have been busy, and KM is as cute as ever, but still.... Maybe I am being lazy and don't want to type it, or maybe it's just not that interesting to anyone else.

For the first time in a long time Husband and I had a drunken weekend together. We went back to our home town and watched a volleyball tournament, and got drunk. It was so much fun to see all of our old friends. I feel like we never left, yet I feel like we have been gone for 10 years. Funny how that can happen. We swapped old war stories of who got the most drunk, who was the most high and who got the craziest. I won none of the titles. But it was fun to laugh and reminisce. Yet I find myself so happy we moved away. Away from the bullshit, and the cliche's, and the blaming everyone else for your problems. I sometimes want to move back to our home town, and then I visit it, and I remember what I hate most about it. Everyone is still stuck in highschool and for me, that was 7 years ago. Grow up already. Move out of your parents house, get a job, support yourself and be an adult.

My husbands mother is dying, and I can't find a lot of compassion for her. He doesn't really give a shit either. But you would have to know that before last Christmas, he hadn't seen her in probably 10 years, or talked to her in almost that long too. She did a lot of drugs while pregnant with him, he should be alive, or even a fuctioning human. But he is sharp as a tack and super smart. I have met his mother one time, last Christmas. Her dying wish is to see the 3 of us, Husband, KM and I. I really don't want to go, I don't even know her. Husband doesn't want to go either, but knows that he really should. When we did go visit her, I left my phone number to call us. When she did call, which was very often, the only thing she asked for was either money or for us to bring her cigarettes. That was about the only thing she would call for. It got so irritating, that I stopped answering her calls. Husband doesn't really even know her, but is fearing the big regret of life if he doesn't go to see her. I just don't really know how to handle this and still be a good wife. I feel like she didn't really give a shit about him in his lifetime, so why should we give a shit about her now. But that's not very nice, is it?? No matter what KM will never know who she is, or have any kind of bond with her. I don't want to spend my time getting to know someone who will die soon, and wasn't that great of a person to start with. But, again, that's not very nice, is it? I just need to suck it up and play nice for now. Soon it will be a memory and I won't have to think about it any more.