Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Baby not on the way...

We have trying/not trying to get pregnant for about a year. Not overly seeking, but doing nothing to prevent it either. In the last few months, I decided it's something I think I could do again. My first pregnancy was fairly uneventful, no major health problems and no major complications, but still wondered everyday why people do this more than once. I get it now. Once they are no longer babies, you begin to miss it terribly. Every day I was excited for KM to learn something new and to hit his next milestone. I still am, but I miss him being so little. He is much easier to live with now. He can feed him self and walk. He can help get dressed and pick up the toys. He can tell you what he wants -- Milt (milk) or jooosh (juice). But he is growing up fast, and I feel like I am taking it for granted.

I was really good at keeping up with his baby book when he was smaller, now I haven't seen it in probably 3 months. I take a lot of pictures of him, but am bad a writing down the things he says. I will miss his voice and actually am already starting to miss it. He used to say Gup-pa. Now he says Gam-pa. I want him to forever refer to my dad as Gup-pa, but that was clearly short lived. He calls our friend Keg-ie. Soon, it will be her real name. I just want him to stay this age forever, or at least for a few more years, until I am done with him being 2, which I know will take much more than a year.

I decided a few weeks before his birthday that this is the year I am going to HATE the most. It seems a bit harsh but it's true. Now at his 2 year birthday, he is still part baby. But by his 3rd birthday, he will be all BOY and NO baby. He will be talking in full sentences, and asking "Why?" about everything. He will do things on his own, and go to Pre-School. He will not ask me to sing "The Big Cow" song (Mama, don't let your baby's grow up to be cowboys, Willie Nelson) any more and want to play in his room with out us. I am SO VERY NOT ready for all of this. As much as he doesn't' need me, I NEED him to need me. It makes my life make sense. And thus, ladies and gentleman, this is why people have more than one child, so they can torture themselves with these emotions and feelings year after year, as each child grows up and doesn't need them any more. This is exactly why people who swore they would never have more than one child, have more than one child.

They need to feel needed again. I need to feel needed again. I don't miss the waking up in the middle of the night, or the breast feeding (well maybe just a little), I don't miss having to make sure we had formula everywhere we went or even the price of formula, but I know it's all worth it, every stinkin' bit of it when KM sits with me on the "cow-ch" and snuggles in, because he is trying to delay bedtime. And even though he thinks he's pretty smart, I actually tell him it's bedtime about 20 minutes before it actually is so he will snuggle with me and have me sing "The Big Cow" song.

It's all worth it when he gives big hugs and kisses at bedtime. I love him so much. And that is why we are willing to do it again, and again and again.

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