Husband and I...

We've had our better days, that's for sure. Got in a big fight with him this weekend and I don't even know why we're fighting. He was grouchy first, then he pinched my finger with a dresser (this I know was unintentional), then he threw the dresser (fit of rage), then after lots of yelling, said we should get a divorce (idle threat).

"Go ahead and leave, I'm not going to beg you to stay somewhere you don't want to be." (I think he gets even more mad when I say this. Hasn't been the first time I have had to say it either. But it's true. I am not going to beg you to stay in a relationship you clearly don't want to be in.)

Later he came to apologize, with a very lame "Sorry" and thought that would fix it. Well it didn't and I'm still pissed. How can he say something so hurtful, about leaving and divorce and then think his standard apology is going to win me over.

Sunday came and he wanted to "get some", and I kept telling him No, because he wasn't very nice to me. He couldn't understand how the 2 correlated. It's just so irritating. Why doesn't he get that he has to be nice to me or I'm not going to give "it" up. I'm not some whore who does it with no feeling. It actually means a little something to me.

Will we ever get it figured out? I know marriage is hard, but why can't we fight like adults? It seems like every time we get in a fight, he quickly apologizes and then expects everything to be exactly the same. And every time, I feel like my side wasn't even heard by him, and then I spend the next few days mad, and eventually let it go, because by now, it so "old" that I don't even remember why we started fighting in the first place. I felt like I was attacked by him, I don't know where all that anger came from, and then all of a sudden it was gone. SO WEIRD.

I guess it's time for this one to be water under the bridge, but one day I would like to understand our fighting. Because right now I don't and there is no one close (miles wise) who can tell me and the one person who 'gets' us is out of state and starting a new job, and has her own stuff right now. So I'm not going to bog her down with this.

Feels a little better to at least get it off my chest, but, still feels like and open wound. The world may never know.....

(Update: I have finally figured out why we fight the way we do. It's because he's a RED and I'm a YELLOW. It's our personality types that make us fight the way we do. Seems obvious, but it never was until we took this. Now we know why we fight the way we do and it's easier to overcome our differences. We both understand how the other one fights, so now we can fix it much faster. Plus, we've had a few years since this to become closer and realize that not everything is worth fighting over. Sometimes you just need to let it go. 8/24/09)