Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Shh Don't Talk About It

Last night Husband and I had some beers with our neighbor. He came over to help Husband install the plow on the Ranger. It was 1.30am before we went to bed. I don't even know where to start this. Husband all of a sudden, gets really weird and starts talking about how we never have sex unless he initiates it, that I never come on to him, how he feels like the hired hand. He said he's done trying. He'll still go to work and provide for the family, but he's done trying to be a husband. It's interesting too, how out of no where he brings this up. He doesn't stop talking long enough for our neighbor to ask him any questions, and he talks about me like I'm not even there, even though I was sitting less than 2 ft from him. I didn't say anything, because 1) he doesn't listen when I try to talk. Especially when he gets in martyr mode. 2) he doesn't really care what I have to say. He knows that he has it so rough, and he works so hard. I'm not saying he doesn't work hard, but SO DO I! He is the only one who deserves some time off, or time away. The reason I don't initiate sex with him is because that is the ONLY time he every even touches me is when he wants sex. He will never hold my hand, doesn't really sit by me on the couch, doesn't EVER touch me, until it's time for sex. Kind of makes me feel like I'm not good enough other wise. I try to explain to him that I don't like the way I look since having 2 kids, and that I'm self conscience. He tells me you look fine, so what, but then on the other hand never pays any attention to me. Which makes me think that he's also unhappy with how I look, but just won't say it. It's hard to want to be intimate with him when he could really care less about me. It's just so frustrating. And OH MY GOD if we try to talk about anything, he won't. He will either talk about it for a minute then ignore anything I have to say because only he is allowed to feel used, or he'll get angry and walk away so we never talk about anything. He'll never hear me out, hear my feelings, hear what it is that I have to say about anything. Sometimes, I feel like the damn nanny, more than a wife, but do I complain about it, NO, I try to be a better mom and wife, and realize it's just one day. Tomorrow will probably be better. I don't sit around and sulk about it. All I want is for him to realize that he's not the only one in the family and that some times I get frustrated too, and know what THAT'S OKAY. I'm allowed to be frustrated. So I guess for now, we'll sweep it under the rug once again and not talk about it. I'm tired of trying too, but DAMN IT we married for better, for worse, and sometimes we need to stick together to get through shit. Today, I feel like I'm going it alone.

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