Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I feel like crying

I just can't explain it lately. I'm out of it. I don't want anything to do with Christmas this year. Usually my favorite holiday. I have a head cold. I have no money. I went shopping last weekend with Husband, and we got a lot of shopping done. But looking forward to this weekend, I have to take the kids to see Santa and buy a picture ($), get the usual ornaments I get every year ($, $). Buy something for my step-mom ($), something else for my sister ($). Something for Husband ($$$), pay for daycare ($). Maybe have some $$ left over to buy lunch next week and already I'm -$$$$$$$$$. Husband has money and if I ask, I'm sure he'll give me some to finish up the shopping. But I hate the feeling of not having my own money. It's like asking Dad for my allowance. I work hard all week long to help support our family and at the end of the week, I have almost NOTHING left to show for it. I hate it. I hate feeling like a deadbeat. I hate feeling like I don't contribute. I'm behind on a bunch of bills because my daycare amount doubled. No matter what I do I feel like I can't dig out of the hole I'm in and it only makes it worse because I feel like such a bad mom. I hate that I'm not excited for the Princess' first Christmas. I hate that I haven't sent out Christmas cards, or started/finished the photo book I wanted to give for Christmas. I hate that even if I was done with the book, I couldn't afford to order it anyways. I hate that I have a bunch of Thank you's to mail, but can't afford the postage. You might wonder why I don't just ask Husband for money, because. Because he spends his money on more important things, like the house payment and the water bill and the gas and electric. I can't barely even afford to buy any groceries and now I should ask him for money to buy stamps???? I just hate it.

I hate that I'm not a big fan of Husbands lately either. I hate that he doesn't want to touch me unless it's for sex. He doesn't want to talk to me unless it's to know what's for dinner. Yet he wants to pretend everything is okay. I hate that he spent time this morning kissing Princess, but ignored me. I hate it. I want to cry. And what I really hate is the fact that I'm at work and want to cry. Not in front of the boss.... I just HATE IT.

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