To work or Not -- This is my question

Down time at work is not at much fun as you would think. Some days it's nice not to have much to do. But those are only the days when I am hung over and that is not very often. Today is one of those days where I actually wish I had something to do or could go home. I am feeling a little like I don't matter at my current job. The important things to be done around here are not trusted to me. I can do the filing, but I can't write the checks? It just seems so silly to me. I have enough spare time anyways to do this. But we pay someone else to come in and do it.

Sometimes I think it's time to move on in my career -- or my job, some days it both. But then I think of the incredible benefits I get here and I think of how hard it is to start over. It's comfortable and it's safe and it's going no where for me. I will still be doing the same job in 10 years with only a slight pay increase and probably no more responsibility. I don't want that. I like being important, and recognized and needed and counted on. I like knowing that what I do matters daily in operations. Most of the time this is not the case here.

Husband tells me to quit and move on, that I am smarter than I am being given credit for. But still, it's hard to move on to the next job when I feel like there is more that needs to be accomplished here. I also don't like moving on with out knowing who's taking my place and if they know EXACTLY how I do things. I know this is ridiculous, because they can do things however they want, but my way is the only way things should be done. My way is the best and smartest way and it makes the most sense! (You know you have felt this way about something).

So for now, I guess I'll stay. I have other things I want to do in life, but none of them will make me much money at first and this scares me. I need to make money. Even if Husband has a job and is making lots, I need my own to spend. I don't like asking him for money. One day I will take the big scary leap and move on to the next thing, but not this week.

Missing my husband

My dearest love of my life was out of town for a few days and as much as I didn't think I would miss him too much, I really, really did. We have been away from each other before and for about the same amount of days. But for some reason this time was different. Maybe it was the snow (we got about 18 - 20"), or maybe it's that Kermit is so much busier now, or maybe I just love him that much more than I used too. I felt very alone, and very helpless, with everything. Not that he shovels the snow (some one else comes and plows it -- we're lucky, I know), or not that he does all the cooking (we share this duty), not that he takes Kermit to daycare (I always have), but this time, I was missing him terribly. I guess I felt like the protector of the house was gone, and what if...... he wouldn't be there to save us. Normally when we hear a weird, loud, different noise in the house he tries to send me to look. I tell him that's the husbands job. These thoughts are kind of all over, but I really missed him this trip. We were fine and plenty of things to do. But the snow was romantic and we were snowed in and he wasn't there to share it with us.

I realized (not that this is even close to a comparison, but it's the closest I have) that when my cousin had to go back to MT, and she was missing her man, I could see what she was feeling. Now they are totally different because Husband was coming back in 6 days, she doesn't know when she'll see Him again. But leaving someone you love, or having them leave you, even if only for a short time, makes you think about how much you love them. It makes you think about how life is so much different when they are not there. It makes you think of all the things life would not be, if they are not there, or if they were never there. I could see why she was so very sad. I'll admit that I even cried. Sappy, sappy girl, I know. But things have been going so well in our family lately. We have been having dinner together every night, talking, playing with Kermit and enjoying life like people should do. Maybe I was just sad that it would not be like this for a few days.

My husband makes me want to be a better mom. I sometimes run out of patience with Kermit and he is there to pick up where I am failing. He is the playful one, and I am the laundry, dinner, read the books before bed time mom. Kermit and I have a different routine when he is not around. We snuggle more on the couch (after a long day at work, I just don't always feel like running around), we read books and learn new words and count and sing the ABCB's (that is not a typo -- that's what KM calls them). When dad is around they play more and run and "fight" and play ball. I guess I should cherish this time because when dad is around, sometimes it's like I don't' exist. Only time for dad.

I try not to focus on bad things, but what if he didn't come back, or what if something happened to us while he was gone. Would he get on a plane and come home, would he send my mom to make sure all was well, would he just not worry about it? I pretty sure I know the answer (#1) but I got to thinking.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I am glad he'll be home today and I'm glad that he picked me to marry him.

Another worry for another day: What if we can't have more babies? This has been on my mind a lot lately and I'll have to write it out one day.

Happy To You!

Kermit turned 2 on Friday. He is the most adorable thing EVER! On Thursday night, we were on our way home from daycare and I was singing Happy Birthday to you, to him, and he kept saying "Mo Happy To You now mommy" and by Mo he means More. So we sang it about 15 more times before we had to move on to singing "Mo Ducky Wuddle now" (Little Ducky Duddle).

Saturday we went to a bridal shower, in the crappy icy rain that was falling, but couldn't stay too long as we had to get back for naps and his own birthday party. We had a few people cancel with the foot of snow that was falling, but most everyone showed up. We even had some over night guests. 6 to be exact. Which was interesting, because we only have 1 guest room (who needs more than one in house -- I guess we do now), we have 2 couches, 2 love seats and 1 Aero bed. It was a full house. We stayed up too late, including the little ones. Kermit was up until 1.45 AM! This is unheard of. He has a strict 8 pm bedtime. Then he was up again by 7.30 am Sunday morning. We made breakfast and had a good time relaxing.

Probably the biggest event of the weekend was not that he turned 2, or that my husband had to drive a 2 hour round trip to get the cake (which he fully admits was COMPLETELY worth it after tasting it), or the fact that Kermit was a party animal. It was that he got his first hair cut on Sunday. One of our friends to spent the night brought her cutting stuff with for the sole purpose of giving him a hair cut. One I have been pushing off for as long as I could. He is still my little baby, he still had baby curls and a baby face and baby fine locks. But now he had short man hair and I don't like it, except that he looks really cute. But I will full on admit that I cried and I am still not ready to let go of him being a baby. My husband laughed and laughed and said that it's okay, but it's SO not okay. This to me is like going off to college and I was so not ready to let go. He looks good, but some how in the 10 minutes he sat so still and quiet and so very good, he turned in to a whole nother person. He speech seemed clearer and he seemed to walk a little taller and he seems so much older than 2 and I don't like that. Probably the highlight of the day was that he was really cuddly on the couch and this made it a little better that he is a big boy now. He still needed me to hold him and snuggle him, but it also made me sad that he was no longer the baby I would like to keep him at. Sad that he won't be doing this much longer and eventually he will even hate being seen with me. My poor husband, oh the things he will have to put up with in the future.

Kyler Kermit is 2 and it seems like just yesterday he was wearing the outfit my 5 month old brother came to the party in. This also didn't help letting him be a big boy. He is talking so much and so clear lately and I know it's only going to get better, but I still think back to when he was so small. The difference a year makes. This time last year, he could say mama, dada, and puppy. Now he can say about 200 words, if not more. He walks and runs and jumps and plays hide and seek. He likes to read books and play with trains. He wants to go saaping (shopping) and go for rides. He loves it when Amma comes or Gupa, or Papa JB. He wants to see Cuncle Dake and cries when he leaves. He barely knew these people a year a go (at least he didn't know their names or even really by sight). He wants to play baaaball (baseball) and run and chase. He loves to squeal and knows he goes to Wickty's house every day.

It doesn't really make me want to have another one, as much as it makes me miss all the things I probably won't remember, which really only makes me sad. We hurried him throughbaby-ness and now I regret it a little. We wanted him to roll over right away, and sit up and stand and walk and talk, and now he does so many things on his own, and I feel like I missed so much of him being a baby. I didn't savor it. Why did I push him so hard to learn to sit up, what if he really didn't want to yet? What if we never have another baby, he was my only chance and I didn't take the time to lock away those memories? I don't write as many things down as I should and what if I forget everything from his childhood? What if I have NO stories to tell him when he gets older, because I was busy doing something else instead of enjoying him for being him? Maybe this is why I am not ready to have him be a big boy, because I am not done having my baby around. I guess I will just have to try harder to make sure he knows that his childhood was all that I could make it be.

One of those days...

Having one of those days, where I refuse to work. Don't feel like doing anything. Don't feel like getting anything done. I have no sense of accomplishment today, and that's okay. Miss my baby and want to be home giving him kisses and taking a nap.

New car you say --- It's yours!

Kermit, I know you are only 23 months and 15 days, but if you want a new car, it's yours. Or a new toy, or a trip to Disney World, ALL YOURS. Actually anything you can think of, you can have it. After last night, I am at your service and forever will be. On the ride home last night, out of no where and with no prompting from me, you blurted out from the back seat, "I wuv you mommy." For no other apparent reason, than you actually do "Wuv Me". You also said it to daddy when we got home. But when I asked you to repeat it to daddy later on, you just kept saying that you "Wuv Mommy". Which means that, you can have anything, whatever it is that your little heart desires, it's all yours. And from what I can gather all that you want is to "Pay Choo Choo's" with me when we get home. You asked and asked on the way to daycare today. You also asked for a tubby on the way home last night. Which I think is great, because it must remind you of Amma, because every time you are with her for more than a minute, she gives you a tubby. She just love, love, LOVES the way you smell after bath time. Like a little tiny baby, even though you are now almost 2, it makes her think of 2 years ago when you were so small and so new and so very much the first grandchild. She also will forever be at your service, because when asked "Who's baby are you?" The most common reply is "Amma's Bebe". Followed quickly by a "My Bebe" because you think we are talking about your blanket. So very protective of you blanket you are. You actually hit the girls at daycare who DARE to touch your blanket. It and you have been given many time outs over it. But it's yours and you understand that. You are also starting to understand what a "Time Out" is. You are so very smart and because of that, we know you are ours.

I love you, Baby!

Love, Mommy.

I say Peeeaaasss!

Kermit is very good with his manners. He will say please for everything. He know that he will get nothing with out the magic word. Other wise known as the word that follows "What do you say?" Peas! But lately, if we don't immediately jump on his request after one small "peas", he he will start rubbing his belly (My cousin taught him the sign for please by rubbing your chest -- KM version is a little lower, but he gets the idea), anyways, he rubs his belly and starts yelling, "I say PEAS!". He knows what he is suppose to say in order to get what he wants, so when you don't jump, he yells. It is so very funny. He is way to smart for his own good. He'll say it again and again until you get it for him. Then he will say Thank. He is working on the You. Sometimes it's Thank, sometimes Thank You. So I have been following up with a "You're Welcome." Sunday, he was asking, so I gave him what he wanted then he said Thank You, I said You're Welcome. Thank You, You're Welcome, Thank You, You're Welcome, then finally he started saying I Welcome, I Welcome, I Welcome. Again, to smart, he figured out that he was the You're.

He'll be 2 at the end of the month, and I am dreading his birthday. I am not ready for terrible 2's. He's learning the ABC's, and counting. He can do some of these already, or at least has a pretty good start on it, but right now, he won't sing the ABC's like he used to, he wants me to sing them, always once forward and once backwards. But when he knows them himself, he won't ask me to sing them anymore and this hurts my heart. It will be one of the many things I have to let go of and I am SO not ready to start that yet. That I guess is just the job of the mom is to learn to let go and let them grow up. I just want to keep him little for as long as I can, "I say Peas!" Doesn't that count for anything....

What's Love got to do with it?

I have been wondering lately, what is Love? I read other blogs (Dooce, Greek Tragedy) and they talk about love and how their husbands are their whole life, and they are just SO IN LOVE with them. I have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years, and the only time I felt like that was when we were first dating. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but why doesn't it feel like that can't keep your hands off of him, couldn't live my life with out him, couldn't make it through a day with out him? He is wonderful! He can fix things around the house, and he is great with the Kermit and he loves me, he makes dinner and does the laundry. He even buys great presents for holidays. He is the whole package. But is there something wrong with me that I don't feel like I couldn't go on with out him? I know things would be tough if he weren't there, but I would get by.

Maybe that's what makes me-- well me. I am a strong person and I know how to pick myself up and dust myself off when I fall down. There's be not such good times and the thought has crossed my mind about a divorce. I always realize that it's something stupid we are fighting over and it's not worth breaking up a family for, so we try a little harder and things get better. But it wouldn't be the end of the world. I know it would be hard to replace him. He just gets me and knows me so well. Maybe this is MY post about how much I love my husband but I just don't shout it from the roof tops. Maybe he is my other half, my better half, the half that helps me see all the good in life and stop to play with the baby when all I want to do take a nap or watch TV. He makes me realize that everyday the Kermit gets older and I should play with him more. He wants to be a better dad and a better husband EVERYDAY. Maybe I love him just as much as everyone else loves their husband, but I don't know how to say it or show it. Maybe when I wash his jeans it's the same as some sappy card. Maybe that's how I say I love, by buying him his favorite candy and the new Strawberry Milk he wanted to try. I don't cry on his shoulder and when I do he gets uncomfortable and makes me laugh, which is really what I needed anyway.

He wants the cut the Kermit's hair and I have been putting it off for as long as I can. He tries to get me to go every weekend for the last 2 months, but when I resist, he doesn't push too hard. He knows what a big deal it is to me. He makes it a joke and one day soon, we'll cut it, but not until I am ready and he just gets that.

Maybe love has nothing to do with it and it's just about the perfect fit for 2 people. Maybe it's more of a personality match, than true love. Or maybe it's because I love him so much that it makes it all right in the world. Or maybe LOVE has EVERYTHING to do with it and that's why we try so hard everyday to make it the best day in our family.